


Final Fantasy VIII [In 15 Minutes]

by ohsojin



Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Comedy, Gen, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-14
Updated: 2014-08-14
Packaged: 2018-02-13 04:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2136432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohsojin/pseuds/ohsojin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is a small parody from the start of the game up through meeting Rinoa during the beginning of the Timber Mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Final Fantasy VIII [In 15 Minutes]

**Author's Note:**

> I did this as a challenge for a contest -- this is just a silly/comedic take on the events from the beginning of the game, leading into Squall Leonhart becoming a SeeD, meeting Rinoa and the dance and then subsequently in Timber. Enjoy the funny! (I used actual caps for quote reference, but obviously many lines have been altered.)

[Squall Leonhart awakes after we watch a nifty CGI opening of him getting a blow to the head from his rival, Seifer.]

Dr. Kadowaki: How do you feel?

Squall: Ok, I guess. Despite that I was just spewing blood all over your infirmary. Twenty minutes later, I’M ALL GOOD.

Dr. Kadowaki: Come see me again anytime.

Squall: ….Right, uh. I’m Squall, by the way.

Dr. Kadowaki: [snickers]

Squall: …What?

Dr. Kadowaki: They’re really pushing this weather thing, aren't they? ‘Cloud’ – and Squall? What’s next – Lightning? 

Squall: Hey, HEY. This is my story of pain, love, and absolute mind fuckery. MINE. Let those other guys find out something horrible about their lives that they didn't realize—wait, do I really want to do this?

Kadowaki: …Anyways, that Seifer won’t listen to anyone, you hear?

Squall: Umm, do we have expulsion? I only have a scar for life and everything. No need to take insane amounts of action, or anything. Yep, don’t mind me.

Kadowaki: You wanna be cool, huh? Well, don’t get hurt in the process, you hear!?

[Squall takes out a diary and quickly begins to scrawl in it whilst crying.]

[Nobody cares – nobody even cares! I just got a big bleeding gash across my head, and she’s telling me to be careful not to get hurt! I am hurt! I’m dying! I’m so depressed! I’m--]

[While Squall had been furiously scribbling, Dr. Kadowaki mumbled something about his classroom and walked off, allowing a completely random girl in a white dress with pretty coloring to walk up all mysterious-esque and plot-point-ey.]

No name girl: Squall…so we meet again.

[After that awkwardness of awkward, Instructor Quistis Trepe comes in the infirmary and sighs, but smiles anyway.]  
\--

[As the two walk from the infirmary, Squall attempts to walk as far away as possible from Quistis, and she’s definitely showing an interest in him, but all he can do is shrug her off. Did we mention she’s only like, a year older? Dude’s crazy for givin’ her the cold shoulder.]

Quistis: What’s on your mind?

Squall: NOPE, NOTHING AT ALL. NOPE. [Squall may fool the casual gamer, but a Final Fantasy protagonist generally means angst, so we’re not fooled.]

Quistis: Oh, I suddenly feel as though I understand you a little better, ha, ha, ha!

[Squall wonders how exactly this line is possible given that she literally just asked him to tell her more about himself, to which he didn't comply. How does she suddenly understand him better? He shrugs and puts his hand to his hip in a really, really cool teenage-rebellion type manner and blurts out what every teenager longs to say at one time or another…]

Squall: I’m more complex than you think! 

Quistis: Tell me more about yourself! 

Squall: It’s none of your…

Quistis: inb4 you say business, lol!!

[Squall sighs and walks away, because really – how much more ball busting must he endure?]

\--

[Squall meets up with Quistis at the Front Gate – leveling and lots of explanations about in-game stuff and other boring things.]

[Squall picks a time limit of ten minutes because he’s just that good and then proceeds into the Fire Cavern where…Quistis talks his ear off? Wtf, man – TIME LIMIT!? Squall presses the X button to skip through what she says, because – TIME LIMIT.]

Quistis: My job is to support you in ba—

[Squall hits the X button.]

Quistis: You know, the boys often choke when I--

[Squall hits the X button and Quistis seethes, taking a large breath to get a lot out at once.]

Quistis: I GUESS MY CHARM MAKES THEM NER—

[Squall’s enjoying toying with her by this point, and Quistis is rage.]

Quistis: FINE. I’m just kidding, you jerk. Trying to keep you relaxed, is all.

[Squall turns in a rage to Quistis and points to his scar.]

Squall: Do you see this scar? It’s a VERY IMPORTANT PLOT-POINT. It marks the beginning of something – of my JOURNEY. You really, really want me to relax? Take me to the end of Disc 4, which will be the end of this massively confusing time and space storyline where I’m on the balcony, about to score. I’ll relax when I get there – until then? You’re screwed.

[Quistis and Squall keep grinding through the Cavern, only for Quistis to randomly bring Seifer up in the middle of Squall running up to fight the boss of the area – seriously, it’s weird.]

Quistis: I guess I was right – you and Seifer are in a class all your own. You both have amazing strength and potential, and god, you both make me hot.

Squall: …Um, we’re…here.

Quistis: You ready, hotstuff? [Squall takes out his sword in response.]

Quistis: Ooh, you’re just so confident!

Squall: Duh, I’m the protagonist! However, I’ll struggle with my confidence for the next four discs. Or, at least two, before I totally hook up!

\--

[Later in the 1st floor area, Squall is about to go on his ‘SeeD’ mission and has to work with Zell and Seifer; fun times.]

\--  
[Squall and Co. reach Balamb, where they’ll ship off.]

Seifer: AIN’T NO TURNING BACK, BRAH.

Squall: …Ain’t no English classes at that there Garden, Seifer?

\--

[Even later, the mission was a partial success in the sense that the main three became SeeDs, although Squall is slightly freaked out as he makes his way to his room, as Selphie is standing right outside his door in her party outfit.]

Selphie: GET CHANGED, IT’S PARTAY TIME!!

Squall: …How did you get in here?

Selphie: …The vent.

Squall: Are you going to at least turn around while I change, as these rooms oddly have no doors?

Selphie: …Nope.

\--

[At the party, Rinoa (main female alert!1!) approaches Squall.]

Rinoa: …Um, look into my eyes! You’re-going-to-like-meeee. Did it work?

Squall: On like, 90% of the fandom? No, it really, really didn't. I, and my writer, happen to be in the 10% though, so lucky you!

Rinoa: …Right. [Rinoa grimaces] Anyways, I just can’t dance alone because that would look lame even though I’m going to leave you alone on the dance floor after we’re done.

[Squall is dragged out to the fore-front of dancing by Rinoa, and it’s very apparent that he doesn't know how to dance as she attempts to put his hands in all the right positions.]

Squall: On your boob?

Rinoa: Uh, no – above it.

Squall: …Boob? [Squall is a seventeen year old male, folks.]

Rinoa: Chill out, brah.

[Squall and Rinoa dance a bit more, but Squall trips and nearly topples her over as he falls forward, right into her…]

Squall: Boobs?

[The player wonders how much seventeen year old male they can take as Rinoa apparently sees someone more attractive and does this wink as she’s all…]

Rinoa: Catch you later, alligator!

[Squall is officially scarred for life, oh wait, he already is – on his face.

Squall: Screw you!

\--

[Later, the SeeDs (minus Quistis) arrive at a town called Timber. Stuff happened, but it was vastly confusing.]

\--

[Squall and Co. meet a really strange resistance faction that’s a total sausage fest until they ask him to ‘wake the princess.’]

[The train stops as Squall walks into her room and totally wasn't watching her sleep, or anything.]

Rinoa: YAAAAAAAAAY! SEEEEEEEEEEED. So, inb4 you getting too happy with my big hug – where’s Seifer?

Squall: …There goes my day. See the gash on my head, you bitch.

[Squall hates his life, but he hates Seifer even more.]


End file.
